What if?

So for the past 2 months, stress, anxiety, panic and depression has taken over me. I've been dealing with this problem over the course of my entire life and never have I imagined it would get this far. It all started when I was in grade school. I literally shit my pants during our field trip which is totally embarrassing and overwhelming. This traumatic and shameful experience has impacted my life. The fear that it may happen again and the "what if" thoughts have been constantly in my mind since then. Of course I've moved on from that but the way I think remains the same. It has gotten to the point that I'm always thinking about death 24/7 which fuels my panic and anxiety into it's highest degrees.

May 2015, a completely normal day and suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest. I made the worst decision by asking Dr. Google about it which leads me to heart-related diseases. The chest pain became worse and I had discomfort and shortness of breath all throughout which ended me up in the ER. Funny thing is that these physical symptoms disappear in front of my doctor. All tests came back normal and was later dismissed. My mind wanted to believe I'm okay but my body's telling me a different story. I wasn't convinced so I continued diagnosing myself online which again sends me another trip to the ER. This time I was assured that I am okay.

June 2015, I was playing DotA 2 and suddenly felt weakness in my arms and realized it's a sign to take a rest. The very next day the weakness became worse and I'm getting dizziness, feeling off balanced and my legs feel rubbery. This went on for weeks and yes, Dr. Google again to the rescue and diagnosed me with ALS! I also had muscle twitching all over and was convinced that I am dying. I've been to countless doctors which all gave me medicine for vertigo, which is extremely not the case and came up with the conclusion that not all doctors can be trusted. Finally I consulted a neurologist and told me I don't have ALS and was later scheduled for series of tests to rule out this killer disease and give comfort in my mind. But that didn't ease me.

All this shit have been going on through my mind and living a normal life is extremely difficult! I'm losing weight and attracted more diseases. What made it even worse is that I get ZERO support from my family and in fact they wish I'd just die. My girlfriend tried to help and be positive but later gave up on me. Now she adds up to my disappointment and proved how loser I am. But I can't blame them all. Right now I'm a loner. Crying helped me a bit but the fear never left. I'm trying to be positive but I just can't lie to myself!

I'm losing hope.

"Clouds" come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky

And just like that, it's over. Dumating nanaman ako sa point ng buhay ko na kelangan mag move, araw araw magiging masakit at mahirap pero sa huli, ito din ung makakatulong sakin or should i say samin. Masakit kasi akala mo, siya na, pagkatapos mong ibigay lahat ng oras at ng love mo sknya, sa ganun lng mauuwi, sa galit, sa inis at sa break-up lng pala. Pero ayokong ihighlight sa post na to 'to lahat ng nega, gusto ko balikan for the last time ung mga araw na naging sobrang masaya at nagpakilig samin. Kahit na sa loob lng ng maikling panahon :)

Nameet ko siya sa work, isa akong newbie at isa na siyang mentor ng mga newbies. First day palang na nakita at nakilala ko siya ay na love at first sight tlga ako. Totoo nga ang love at first sight, akala ko sa una ko lng marerealize un, sknya din pala. Anyway, ung araw na un, kung seswertehin nga naman, naging mentor ko siya, naging interesado ako sknya hanggang sa niligawan ko siya. Siya lng ang babaeng niligawan ko, sakanya lng ako nag effort ng sobra sobra. In the end, naging kami naman. Exactly 5 months ago, sinagot niya ako, birthday pa niya. Wala nang mas special pa sa araw na 'yun. Although inispoil niya ung pinagpaplanuhan kong bonggang bonggang proposal in public, ako nmn ang nasurprise niya nung araw na un. Nung mga oras din na naging kami, unang beses kong narinig ang pinaka sincere na 'i love you' by far. Sobrang tumagos sakin, ewan ko kung bakit. Bsta, iba ung dating sakin. Kaya deep inside, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na aalagaan ko siya ng mabuti, liligawan parin araw araw, papasayahin, iispoilin at kung ano ano pa. Niligawan naman niya pati parents, family at friends ko and i liked that. Kahit na parehas kaming tinotoyo palagi, inintindi namin ang isa't isa. Kht na sinasabi niyang mataba ung hita niya, inispoil ko parin siya at sinasabihan parin ng 'sexy'. Kht na puro sipon, luha at pawis na ung panyo ko, hindi ko siya pinandirian or jnudge. Kahit na madami kaming ayaw sa isa't isa, tinanggap namin lahat un. Comfortable at mahal namin ang isa't isa. Naging masayang masaya tlga kami kahit sa saglit na panahon lng. Siya din nagbgay sakin ng inspiration at ng 'sense of urgency' sa halos lahat ng bagay. Tinuruan niya ako ng mga do's and dont's, this and that at maraming marami pa. Lalo lng din akong nainspire sa mga kwento at bngyan nya ako ng reason para mapalapit ulet kay God. Lahat ng 'to nagustuhan ko sknya, lahat ng 'to nagbigay pa sakin ng dahilan na dapat ingatan at alagaan ko siya, hanggang sa lahat ng bagay na gngwa ko umikot na sknya at napamahal lng ako ng sobra.

She's full of surprises. First time kong magsama ng girlfriend sa outing ng family at ng tropa, first time kong ma surprise at mabigyan ng kht anong gift, kht na may mga spoilers. Andaming 'first time' sknya kht mejo matanda na ako e atleast naexperience ko dhl sknya.

Perfect na sana ano po? Kaso nag backfire. We were so smothered in love we didn't have a chance to come up for air. Nakakapanghinayang, sobrang bilis ng lahat ng pangyayare, sayang ung mga plans namin, ung mga promises, sinayang ko ung effort niya para makeep at maayos ung relationship namin. Sayang siya, ngaun nasasaktan siya pero in the end, ako parin ang magsisisi. Pero tanggap ko un. Hindi ko pinagsisisihan na naging kami at sa lahat ng nangyare samin, may point talaga sa relationship na ibbgay mo lahat kasi akala mo siya na, na perfect kaung dalawa. Pero thankful ako at naging kami, sa lahat ng memories, good and bad, itetreasure ko parin.

Well, matagal tagal pa ulet siguro bago kami magpapansinan ulet pero since special dapat samin ung araw na to, i made her a blog post na lng. Hey. Sorry if we screwed up.

Happy 15th! :')

ps: eto pla dpat ung ibibigay ko sau ngaun. sorry hindi ko na tinapos. alam mo nmn kung ano 'to.