What if?

So for the past 2 months, stress, anxiety, panic and depression has taken over me. I've been dealing with this problem over the course of my entire life and never have I imagined it would get this far. It all started when I was in grade school. I literally shit my pants during our field trip which is totally embarrassing and overwhelming. This traumatic and shameful experience has impacted my life. The fear that it may happen again and the "what if" thoughts have been constantly in my mind since then. Of course I've moved on from that but the way I think remains the same. It has gotten to the point that I'm always thinking about death 24/7 which fuels my panic and anxiety into it's highest degrees.

May 2015, a completely normal day and suddenly felt a sharp pain in my chest. I made the worst decision by asking Dr. Google about it which leads me to heart-related diseases. The chest pain became worse and I had discomfort and shortness of breath all throughout which ended me up in the ER. Funny thing is that these physical symptoms disappear in front of my doctor. All tests came back normal and was later dismissed. My mind wanted to believe I'm okay but my body's telling me a different story. I wasn't convinced so I continued diagnosing myself online which again sends me another trip to the ER. This time I was assured that I am okay.

June 2015, I was playing DotA 2 and suddenly felt weakness in my arms and realized it's a sign to take a rest. The very next day the weakness became worse and I'm getting dizziness, feeling off balanced and my legs feel rubbery. This went on for weeks and yes, Dr. Google again to the rescue and diagnosed me with ALS! I also had muscle twitching all over and was convinced that I am dying. I've been to countless doctors which all gave me medicine for vertigo, which is extremely not the case and came up with the conclusion that not all doctors can be trusted. Finally I consulted a neurologist and told me I don't have ALS and was later scheduled for series of tests to rule out this killer disease and give comfort in my mind. But that didn't ease me.

All this shit have been going on through my mind and living a normal life is extremely difficult! I'm losing weight and attracted more diseases. What made it even worse is that I get ZERO support from my family and in fact they wish I'd just die. My girlfriend tried to help and be positive but later gave up on me. Now she adds up to my disappointment and proved how loser I am. But I can't blame them all. Right now I'm a loner. Crying helped me a bit but the fear never left. I'm trying to be positive but I just can't lie to myself!

I'm losing hope.